


The shattered fragments of time

by embersandturquoise



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Anchise (Call me by your name) - Freeform, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Elio loves Oliver, Emotional, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Hearbreak, Letters, Love throughout the years, M/M, Memories, Oliver loves Elio, Olivers pov, Oliver´s Story, Samuel Perlman - Freeform, Somewhere in Northern Italy, Soulmates, Thinking, Twenty years pass, find me, summer of 1983, throughout the years, visits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29107590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embersandturquoise/pseuds/embersandturquoise
Summary: The years after that one summer in Northern Italy, narrated from Oliver´s point of view.A journey through twenty years of being apart.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Maybe I will glimpse a gaze inside that memory shrine, but right now I have to pretend none of this has ever happened."
Relationships: Oliver & Elio Perlman, Oliver/Elio Perlman
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25





	1. Leaving (Summer 1983)

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow this blurred into my mind. What happened throughout these years, I also had to put the timeline right after having read "Find me". These are very short chapters, I needed to get Oliver´s feelings out.
> 
> Enjoy and as always, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. :*
> 
> !Contains spoilers for "Find me", for those who havent´t read it yet!

The train sets in motion and I know, that´s it.

That´s been the summer.

That´s been the change of my life.

That´s been the point where everything before had led to and everything afterwards would ever lead back to.

I take a deep breath and then allow myself one last look. My heart might possibly burst into pieces by the devastated look on Elio´s face. He´s getting smaller already and I know, soon he will be nothing more than a tiny dot and then – he will disappear forever.

I turn back and focuse on my breathing.

I can´t bear to feel the pain, for now I have to cast it away. Deep into a shell, maybe for a long time if not for always, save. Maybe I will glimpse a gaze inside that memory shrine, but right now I have to pretend none of this has ever happened.

I´m freezing.


	2. A call on Hannukah (December 1983)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver calls the Perlmans on Hannukah.

Jesus fuck, I´m nervous. That´s why I call. And not visit.

They did invite me. They always do with all their summer guests. I´ve known from Maynard. And I know it would have destroyed Elio. Would have cast hopes I cannot fulfil right now. If ever...

I cannot stand to look him in the eyes, see his reaction... not with what I´m about to tell him.

He will never forgive me, I´m very sure. I made a promise and I already broke it. And now – I´m adding the last nail to the coffin.

Hoping it will serve us better – both of us. It could be a proper end, if anything.

Just that it´s not.

My hands tremble as I pick up the phone and then time rushes away. I barely hear his voice clear, my throat constricts. It takes just some minutes. Minutes and some words.

I break down his world.

I don´t see him, but I can hear in every single one of his shallow breaths, the swallowing, the pretence smile... how his heart shatters into pieces.

Or maybe it´s the echo of my own heart breaking.

I love him.

I miss him.

I want him.

_“I´m exactly like you. I remember everything.”_

And still I chose to walk another way. Away from him, away from the memories, away from a part of me I never can allow to be true.

With a big sigh I put the phone down. Tears start rolling down my cheeks and for some last moments I cherish his voice inside my mind.


	3. Letters (1985)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio writes letter after letter, but Oliver just can´t speak.

Letters arrive every other month.  
He´s good in writing. Seems to be easier for him. He´s never been one for talking much and if he did, he has had a remarkable way of speaking and letting me guess the meaning.

Elio had been a mystery for me from day one.   
He had been repulsive, offensive almost and I never knew what to think of it. All I could assume was that I had indeed offended him and so I decided to step back. It had been his way, his only possibility to keep his feelings in, not to make himself vulnerable full throttle from the beginning on. It was his only refuge. Similar to me choosing every possibility to leave when I noticed my emotions whirling. Which were almost every second he was near.   
“Later” had become my favourite word that summer.

And now I´m the one lost of words.

What can I tell him of the life I´m living? It´s a fake. Not in its entity, but mostly. I´m acting. Acting to be a husband. To be a father – although that really is the one part that´s far best; the boys are everything to me, they are the one thing in my life that I know is the best that has happened, and I love them more than life. I wouldn´t change anything if that meant they weren´t my boys. They truly are my life.

I wish I could share that with him. Would we make good parents? I´m not sure; Elio still being so young. But he would learn and grow into it. He´s such a precocious guy, always eager for knowledge and he´s wise, although he himself would never admit to it. Maybe it would be the one thing for him as it is for me. 

Micol is just great. I truly love her. Love exists in many ways. Still – it´s not the same. How can I still be hooked with something that had lasted barely some days?


	4. Italy, again... (1994)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver and his family visit the Perlmans 11 years after he left.

Here we are.

Nothing has changed, it seems.

And yet, everything has changed.

I brought the boys. I even brought my wife. I know he would have despised that. So I didn´t tell him. I also didn´t tell the Perlmans, we just appeared out of the blue at their doorsteps. I knew they would welcome us.

I just wasn´t sure if Elio wanted me here.

I couldn´t barely speak until I learned – ironically in itself – that he spends the summer in Paris.

No Elio.

No piano play.

No teasing, no offense.

Nothing.

“Had you told us...”

says Professor Perlman, his gaze knowingly lingering on me and I have to cast my eyes down. They all know. Whom was I to fool... Myself obviously.

I try to take it easy. Enjoy the sun, go down to the beach, play with the boys, show them around my favorite spots. I even borrow Anchise´s old bike (the guy has settled by now, but still lives nearby and when rumour had it I was back, he came to visit and talked about the last peach harvest for about two hours) and head into town.

But it´s not the same.

I can linger in those memories forever, but he still won´t be here with me.

I stop at the berm and my feelings overwhelm me as I put my bare feet into the ice-cold water. This was where everything had begun. No, it wasn´t. It had begun earlier, way earlier.

The moment I had stepped out of the car, catching a shadow at the window above, some dark locks disappearing behind shutters and a cocky voice talking French. Maybe it had begun when I´d taken on the journey to Italy. Maybe it had already begun when I decided to be an intern. Or maybe all of this had begun so much earlier, maybe it had been in the stars forever.

Am I allowed to be here?

After all this is his spot.

“Elio, Elio, Elio...”

I remember everything.

When we finally speak on the phone, he seems reserved.

I´m taken aback and try to sound happy.

Yes, I´m happy to be here _(in our place, in his old room)_.

It makes me so happy to be here _(to visit his home, to remember him, remember us and how I miss him and how I want...)_ , I want him to meet my boys and my wife _(and I want to see him, kiss him, make love to him...)_...

I´m just so happy _(and I hope he understands why)_ , but as he whispers his name and waits for me to reply with mine, I´m startled and shocked and I just can´t... I can´t.


	5. The Poseidonian Spot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver makes a pact, to remember and envision how life with Elio could have been.

I´ve made a pact.

After Elio´s visit in Colombia, after those short days with nothing happening, though I had wanted so much of it – I decided to allow myself for one day in the year to relish in memories, one day to celebrate the love we shared and that had never dimmed from both of us. On one day each year, respectively Elio´s birthday, I come here to this very spot and I wonder... I dream and I fantasize, how our life could have been had we stayed together.

Where would we be today?

I think of him, a pianist living in Paris these days, 32 of age, still as captivating and beautiful as I remembered him from that summer in Italy.

I allow myself to delve into a vision. For one day only.

We would live in a tiny cottage, him playing the piano at concerts or sometimes at a bar. I´d attend him for the concerts and he would show up in my lectures from time to time. Afterwards we would make love in some locker somewhere or maybe in one of the storerooms, anywhere. Maybe right outside, in the dark, our warm bodies lit by bright moonlight.

Our home would be filled with music and books, laugher, naked feet running around, shorts hanging over chairs, whether his or mine we wouldn´t care. His transcripts would be spread over the table, joined by his earphones, a grand piano would sit in the centre of the hallway. He´d teach our kids to play the piano and the guitar and in the evenings we would all cuddle together on the sofa, watching some silly series or I would be reading a book to all of them, Elio´s long legs resting in my lap and I would kiss his ankles just as I had done back in the times.

Fifteen years – and more to come.

He´ll always be here with me.


	6. On a plane (2003)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty years later Elio and Oliver finally reunite.

I can´t believe I´m doing it.   
Finally.  
I still worry what took me so long. But then again, better late than never.  
If not later, when.

Our later is now.

Everything had led to this.

“You were always on my mind. I´ve tried to find calm and peace, find substitutes. But it would never work. I was just trying to exist.”  
I explain.  
“So did I. I was happy. I really was happy for some time. But then everything came back to you.”  
replies Elio.

I don´t know whom I was trying to prove anything.   
Twenty years...  
Twenty years living a lie, playing a life. I´ve become a pro in that. But the one day every year I came to visit my spot and remember, I realized this wasn´t a live, it was barely anything. I was Poseidon for one day and the rest of the year I was sleeping, if anything. 

This is what I want.  
This is who I am.

“Do you know whom you are named after?”  
I ask the little boy, who strangely resembles Elio so much.  
“You.”  
he says and I nod.  
We truly have a child. Life eventually happened. We´re back at the villa with our child. Little Ollie.

I look at Elio and I sigh.  
“You´ve barely changed.”  
He smiles but shakes his head, taps a hand to his chest.  
“I´m still in here. The seventeen-year-old boy, waiting for you to open your French windows and tip-toe over to my room, wake me, whisper into my ear and call me by your name.”


End file.
